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College midterms.. One of the most annoying things ever, they come at the time when people are least bothered to study or too bored but have to study.

College midterms.. One of the most annoying things ever, they come at the time when people are least bothered to study or too bored but have to study.

Reading my past and Seeing My future

What a journey it has been till now, from been the good students in the school to average student in college to nearly failing in the class, epicness. Got my result two days back didn’t give a damm about it, didn’t even calculated my marks, I’m least bothered about it. one thing I have made sure I don’t believe the system, so I don’t give a damm about it. I don’t know now is it a good move or bad move, right thinking or wrong, but I feel that whatever it is I have the capacity to handle the outcome.

But on serious things in life, BazingaLabs story had a bitter ending, wasn’t dissatisfied by the money, but it was the respect and the work I had put on it didn’t came through. Been called as “Diamond broker”  or “LIC agent” was kind of disturbing but happens it’s life. And I’m also entitled to take half the blame as I wasn’t clear enough in work. But end of the day wasn’t satisfied with money, was learned by me, so I could afford that. 

One of the biggest learning was I couldn’t make things clear with Kakshil on the first place and expected him to be truthful and fair in negotiation, I know he’s a dick, but I was also bound by some principles so had to leave some amount of money. Sometimes I feel I’ll take a revenge of what he did to me but many times I feel that what’s the point in doing it, When I know things are gone to come back so no point just satisfying my ego, Wish him all the good luck in his life. I got my part which I deserved sometimes you should learn to let go things.

One of the major things happened is baa passed away, was a very horrifying experience, not because she died that was acceptable and we couldn’t do anything. But the drama by everyone and the fasad was very disturbing behavior. Feeling very sorry for Dada, I don’t know how hes managing. There is a sense of sorrow in me which says how the world is been structured, my Dada who once was a estime personality now completely helpless and bow have to rely on us for May small thing. But in a way I feel that he’s been very fortunate to fins people like my dad and sister who takes care of him so much. At the end of the day its life and everyone has to live through it.

Today is first march 2014, starting a new journey of improvement, not starting MongoDB nor stepping into hadoop world. Just improvement of myself, nothing more nothing less. Just step at a time, 1 percent change at a time. The mistakes I have been committing all this year’s was I wanted to change overnight, didn’t wanted to give time nor enough commitment. So I have decided this time that I want to take things slowly and steadily. But there is a feeling like I’m not doing enough,because sometimes I don’t feel it, I don’t see the change in me. Whatever it is I need to work patiently and persistently because there is no other way for success no other way then handwork.

One thing I need to understand is I’m not doing things for other or for people its for myself and only myself. So for that I need to remain very calm and compost, don’t get distracted by anything. If I can burst my ass for two months ie march and April than I feel I can take the risk of things I want to achieve. There is simply no hope from my aggregate so need to find other path in my life.

I really have no clue what to do now, because whatever I get into I feel that’s boring. And also don’t know why I love analyzing so much market or like reading about things which are so creative or innovative. I feel what I should is try to enhance this qualities. I’m starting to understand what my strong points and how I need to sell them.

I feel this is most definite period of my life as whichever choices I make will have atleast affect my next five year of coming time. I know I shouldn’t be skeptical about what’s coming about the future but need take care and measure things and than move ahead.

Sometimes will I’ll be ever sustain this lifestyle or this luxuries which I can afford now. Honestly if I don’t own a MacBook wouldn’t make a hell of difference, what I want to do is I should be satisfied in what I do in Ubuntu. 

I think the time has arrived which will decide a course of my life. I Don’t know what it is, how it is, but i somehow feel things are at high stake. things are moving slow, remembering th time i said i have taken the decision, time i lied , time i did confess to my parents about my fail,time i gave up with , my life, remembering my hard work i put on, sacrificed my obsession. I don’t know is it positive or negative or anything else.One thing i need to stay is stay strong, never lose the sight of hope, dreams, passion…not passion but love…I need to be resilient, I need to face the reality. it may be not what i want but whatever maybe i need to face with full conviction that this is it… i need to hold my ground and not do any thing stupid.

  Why i feel this is the most defining moment of my life, wanted to see failure so, inquest of such thing did a fucked up thing which would have immense consequences not in my life but life of my family and friends around me But still i did what i wanted and fucked up the case. at tat very moment who would have thought that life is gone be taking such turns, fresh from the books of Jobs, wanted to come over all the disasters and cruel hands of mu and wanted to prove that I’m the survivor of this maiden voyage of Devansh is rising…..wanted to prove that I’m the lone guy who can beat the crap out of everyone, wanted to prove that I’m the guy who should be looked for inspiration. All i wanted was to be a want to be someone i was not. i wanted to be a guy in all the ladies eyes as a winner   not some ordinary guy with extraordinary dreams with weak and almost nil plan to work hard, all i did was thoughts which were never put into actions, such good old thoughts. Still had one thing in mind i can sail through any piece of shit this is how my maiden voyage continued…..

   And thats when i got hit by something else…something which changed me a hell lot….the tornado to hit my voyage was Pankti…I always thought that it was because of her that I lost my sight from the destination actually it wasn’t her, it was just me who wanted some distraction or something..but what were the days..nothing but talking to her..talking my full hearts out…feeling something which someone has never made me feel like that way in my life whatever it was it was at that moment the best thing that could ever happen in my life…days were slowly passing by and my voyage was going to be tested but instead of getting ready for my challenge what i did was to take a full fledge Mediterranean style sunbath…I still remember the time i msged her “I have taken the decision and you will know in some…..”… what the fuck i was thinking…i was such a big asshole that i didn’t realized the gravity of the situation…and to counter that what thought that i will be the first guy with taking hits on my ship still complete my voyage..what a bastard i was….and that i didn’t realize that i was carving my own grave……but whatever happened i knew one thing where was i and where was i going.. but somehow i didn’t realize that where will i end up…..

    and the fall started to happen… i became so much into fun that i forgot the course of my voyage…one point of time i did things which were so shit that what was i up to….still….one of the biggest mistake i ever made was i lied to people who cared for me…who were honest with me…people who accepted me for what I did.. that was the biggest mistake i ever made in my whole voyage….i saw thing the way i wanted to see.. i always did things the way i wanted.. i started to became more focus on myself rather then anyone else….as the time came fro another to take another test of the voyage… i wasn’t ready and this time  there were not Mediterranean sunbath or anything..it was all me… instead of getting ready for the test was thinking how did i end up over here… i became coward i feared now…and thats when i hit the lowest point of my life about ending it… thats true of getting  things easy way….what i was i thinking….was i so weak that i had to fall to such point where i couldn’t think what was right and what was wrong..only thing which i could think was getting out of that situation…little did i thought that the only way to overcome the situation was to face the situation….when i starting to realize that my voyage was coming to end… i somehow gained the confidence that there is never too late to give a fresh start…

     Still I wasn’t back on track but was on the way of back of track…and then i started making comeback in small forms.. i realized i had loads of time which i keep on wasting and never utilize to fullest… and after nearly two years i have completed the voyage not completely but somewhat… and thats a big thing for now…

   i have realized one thing nothing is replaced by hard work..nothing smartness… luck… ability…pure hard work…..i have realized one thing how much ever your goals are..your dreams are nothing gets accomplished without your and only yours hard work….for your dream voyage to get completed u have to sail through rough sea, burn mid night oil , take my chances, eat shit…

   and stay honest with your self because thats most important thing…and world will be YOURS